A reminder from Hell that saving lives will save the financial system

Tabatha Southey receives a letter from the Prince of Hell, Grasp of the Fourth Circle, Father of Greed and Root of Evil


From the desk of His Infernal Highness Mammon, Prince of Hell

For Instant Launch (together with the hellhounds): It has come to my consideration that sure elected officers and public thinkers within the pitiful nation of the Earth often called the USA of America have been proposing a scheme whereby the aged, the in any other case weak, or the simply clear out of luck, are to be sacrificed upon the Altar of Greed.

Whereas I’m on the file as being supportive of and advocating for puny mortals committing sundry unspeakable acts in pursuit of huge riches and energy—solely to comprehend with their last breath that there isn’t a treasure on this Earth or beneath it definitely worth the lack of their soul—on this specific occasion, I concern we could have a case of mistaken identification on our fingers.


I’m Mammon, Prince of Hell, Grasp of the Fourth Circle, Father of Greed and Root of Evil. I’m not the USA financial system.

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An financial system is a large set of interconnected manufacturing and consumption actions that play a task in figuring out how sources are allotted. There are frail people who spend their whole lives learning economics with out ever with the ability to completely predict how the financial system will reply to any specific set of circumstances.


I, then again, am an excellent beast with the physique of a lion, 300 legs and 7 pairs of wings—every coated in a thousand eyes which eternally hunt down even the pettiest scrap of wealth I would declare for myself (you presently have $three.35 in your sofa cushions). I’ve 4 heads, a canine, a pig, a serpent and a person, every of which drones endlessly and monotonously because it counts my uncountable hoard, such that no being (terrestrial, celestial or infernal) may be in my presence with out being pushed to insanity. And there aren’t any vagaries with me, I inform you. You commit a sequence of grisly and needlessly elaborate slayings in a significant metropolitan space that, when traced out with string on a map, spell out my dread title, you make financial institution.

Determine it out, guys.

As a fiend of the pit, I reply properly to bloody sacrifice and slavish devotion to my horrible will. Good job, diabolists. The financial system, nonetheless—fickle creature— usually prefers cautious preparation in instances of loads and swift however considerate motion in instances of disaster. For instance, I would possibly reward reducing the still-beating coronary heart out of your sufferer’s chest on the actual second the solar enters a complete eclipse with say, the sudden discovery of a trove of (most likely not cursed) pirate treasure behind your dryer, however the financial system probably received’t.


The financial system is much extra prone to reply positively to a relaxed and sober chief who is ready to reassure the nation that she is extra keen on defending the individuals she was elected to serve than in boosting her personal electoral possibilities or in punishing governors who’ve been insufficiently obsequious to her.

In brief, in the event you actually need to kill grandma on the behest of a geriatric brat, I actually received’t cease you. Whereas greed is my official portfolio, all manifestations of human depravity and barbarousness have my ears, all eight of them, anytime. That having been stated, as one thing of an skilled on materials wealth and absolute evil, I really feel compelled to level out that this notion that “combatting lethal sickness” and “preserving the financial system” are by some means diametrically opposed ventures merely doesn’t replicate actuality.

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I applaud the hordes of you who’ve embraced the thought, a few of you on cable, that huge numbers of harmless souls dying in unspeakable ache is an affordable worth to pay for guaranteeing that the wealthiest of society proceed unabated to build up extra riches than they’ll ever dream of spending. For these of you who’re battling this idea, I’m providing a 15 per cent Social Distancing Low cost on my net course, Introduction to Inhumanity to Man (promo code HAILSATANFROMHOME15), and but the purpose should be made that there’s actually nothing to recommend that permitting, certainly facilitating, the premature demise of thousands and thousands of individuals would consequence within the aforementioned payoff.

Mass demise is, traditionally, a hell of a adverse externality. Economies and employees, a key element of these economies, are inclined to perform higher when there aren’t refrigeration vans parked outdoors of hospitals to deal with all of the corpses. On a micro stage we see the identical factor with motels, casinos, factories, locations of upper training and have you ever guys seen my cruise ships?

Due to this, cash, even huge sums of it, spent vanquishing a virus is an efficient, although generally a essentially somewhat long-term, funding. Markets don’t like wave upon wave of gaping open grave-type ranges of demise, virtually as a lot as they don’t like uncertainty.


Consider me, I’m not attempting to assist anybody or protect life or do anything that will violate the Infernal Communications Act Part 66645230434, Subsection 39994834154841, Paragraph C. It’s simply that I, like most demons, am an unbearable, actually hellish, know-it-all.

I’ve cornered you at events. You’ve had a sense the man with so many opinions about jazz and the way finest to do your job couldn’t be human … that was me! And, silly mortals, you’re sacrificing to the flawed false god.

As a last notice, relating to any future proposed human hecatomb, because of a settlement with Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, Father of Pestilence, Prince of Rot, Smash of Cities (and petty little prick), I’m legally prohibited from accepting sacrifice within the type of victims of illness. I could make no additional touch upon the main points of stated settlement, but when any reader does want to provide up lives in pursuit of my darkish favour, I personally suggest casting your victims into an excellent furnace customary after my very own hellish countenance.